(no subject)

[spacebug]

Been taking advantage of time alone inside today to clean up the house, get the studio kinda pieced back together, and practice clarinet.

I really hate feeling inept at something, especially when I know a lot of people can hear. (It's kind of the same feeling I get when I don't know directions somewhere and someone who does is driving with me.) This feeling is what often made me really uncomfortable practicing in the practice rooms at the U, except it was worse there, because everyone was in competition with each other and so even if they really didn't care, I always had it in my head that people in the hall or in the next room over were comparing themselves to me. (The rooms had next to nothing for soundproofing.) I'm not sure how much of this is real and how much is my own neurosis, growing up in a very musically competitive school and whatnot, but, whatever the ratio, it's really not a nice enviroment to try to learn anything in, and definitely not conducive to any kind of risk taking or feeling okay about fucking up. You have to feel somewhat okay about trying stuff and fucking up, or you won't ever learn anything. That's true with anything. It's because the sensor re: engine symbolizes pretty much the antithesis of that music school kind of thinking that I've embraced it with something that sometimes approaches religious fervor. The "This is supposed to be fun and enjoyable, remember?" The "I don't care if you've never played a keyboard before- play one now!" It also speaks loudly to why I make the kind of music that I make now with the people I choose to make it with. It's also why it makes me a little sad when people tell me (and they have) that they're intimidated to play music with me because I've had so much more training than they have. I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the way I felt so often in those practice rooms, especially not on account of me.

So, anyway, all things considered I think I'm doing pretty well to barrel through it and play anyway since there's no other way I'll get any better.

And I am getting better, slowly. It's pretty cool. And really strange. It's like being in a time machine back to my first saxophone lessons so many years ago, re-learning fingerings, refiguring where embrochure should be to stay in tune and have good tone, all that stuff that feel like I haven't used in so long. I can play a chromatic scale up to the c above middle c (not concert pitch) and not squawk, and the only thing that really trips me up is my automatic want to finger saxophone fingerings instead of the new clarinet fingerings. I imagine it's a slight bit similar to physical therapy retraining, or something.

Comments

[drok-vox.livejournal.com]

I am just jealous of people like you, who have that knowledge right at their fingetips, and know they have those abilities. I wish like hell I would have had some form of real education in music, rather than just making it up for the last three years. I know it's hard to come back to something and try to knock the rust off, it's one of the most frustrating things ever. But at least you know it's in you, to a degree the rest of us can't even imagine.

[http://users.livejournal.com/i_heart_to_____/]

um. you rule.
i'm not sure what else to say to that post...i agree with it (very strongly) and relate to a lot of it, though.

thank you for a lovely evening of music making!

Musical n00b :)

[r4c.livejournal.com]

Yeah...it sucks relearning another instrument when you can already play others really well. Violin is the worst. Haha. There is nothing more irritating than cat screech violin. I'm pretty sure that my neighbors hated me then. Like you say, it's just a matter of sticking it out until your playing improves. I think you often underestimate yourself though...