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my brain felt itchy and i don't know if it was my fault exactly...
So I feel as thought it's been a bit since I posted anything here. I feel like a lot has happened and I've had a few very nice days. I also feel as though most of my daily life gets placed here well enough through the accounts of s4, star5, noise, rahna, or others I spend pretty much all my time with when I'm not at work...
which, among other things, makes me contemplative about this:
With rare exception, I find I have very little time to myself these days. I don't often think of asking for it, lest I miss out on something fun (I hate missing out on fun things, and besides, going to the bar or playing scrabble or watching sci-fi is so much easier than actually working on anything...) and when I find time alone offered to me, even when I know I want it or even when I know I need it very badly, I find myself so accustomed to being around people so much lately that I resist it. It's strange. In the meantime, I can harbor petty jealousies of people and the way they spend their time, even though I know full well these feelings are at best well, petty, and pretty ridiculous, as I have the ability to change what I do with my time. Petty jealousies have an annoyingly stubborn root within my personality that I dislike a great deal, and they've contributed to some hard lessons. But, at least I'm better than I used to be, and that is good.
This also gets to a pretty decent portion of why it is far more effective for me to work with deadlines. If I have a deadline, the time to work gets made, somewhere. A part of my working on others' projects (thinking of theatre, specifically) is the element of being responsible to someone else. There is a calendar of rehearsals. There is a set amount of work time, and there is a day that the curtain goes up. You will be as ready as you will be when that happens, whether you like it or not. I feel I've grown far too accustomed to a life removed from the stresses of college, where deadlines of all kinds and time-making for things that had to be done were part of life. I have difficulty imposing these things onto myself, even though they would do me good. I needed the break once I was finished, but now that I want to create again, I find it difficult to get myself motivated. Even now, I update my livejournal or talk on the phone to an old friend while I should be working on a film score that, to my simultaneous benefit and horror, has had a deadline ramped up considerably overnight. It's not like I haven't done anything, I'm quite proud of the recent show at the Dinkytowner, for one, but it just feels as though i could be doing so much more....
which, among other things, makes me contemplative about this:
With rare exception, I find I have very little time to myself these days. I don't often think of asking for it, lest I miss out on something fun (I hate missing out on fun things, and besides, going to the bar or playing scrabble or watching sci-fi is so much easier than actually working on anything...) and when I find time alone offered to me, even when I know I want it or even when I know I need it very badly, I find myself so accustomed to being around people so much lately that I resist it. It's strange. In the meantime, I can harbor petty jealousies of people and the way they spend their time, even though I know full well these feelings are at best well, petty, and pretty ridiculous, as I have the ability to change what I do with my time. Petty jealousies have an annoyingly stubborn root within my personality that I dislike a great deal, and they've contributed to some hard lessons. But, at least I'm better than I used to be, and that is good.
This also gets to a pretty decent portion of why it is far more effective for me to work with deadlines. If I have a deadline, the time to work gets made, somewhere. A part of my working on others' projects (thinking of theatre, specifically) is the element of being responsible to someone else. There is a calendar of rehearsals. There is a set amount of work time, and there is a day that the curtain goes up. You will be as ready as you will be when that happens, whether you like it or not. I feel I've grown far too accustomed to a life removed from the stresses of college, where deadlines of all kinds and time-making for things that had to be done were part of life. I have difficulty imposing these things onto myself, even though they would do me good. I needed the break once I was finished, but now that I want to create again, I find it difficult to get myself motivated. Even now, I update my livejournal or talk on the phone to an old friend while I should be working on a film score that, to my simultaneous benefit and horror, has had a deadline ramped up considerably overnight. It's not like I haven't done anything, I'm quite proud of the recent show at the Dinkytowner, for one, but it just feels as though i could be doing so much more....
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I'm starting to think that we should be trading days for creative angsty posts...heh heh...must be that communal brain thing...
As you know, I have the same problem...it's bizarre; since I've started practicing for the show, I've spent more time creating than practicing...came up with a couple new pieces, in fact...deadlines have a way of putting you on that creative pressure cooker, and I think both you and I thrive on that in some ways...
Having my CONvergence shows as a deadline also has me motivated as well...
I remember my orchestra teacher telling my folks that I was good but that I usually needed something to kick me in the pants to get motivated...I really haven't changed all that much, but I'm trying...